An A-Ha Moment.

23 04 2012

Lately, I’ve been observing. Observing myself and others in a very new, non-judgmental way. Now, you may ask; How are you non-judgmentally observing others? I am detaching from all negative and positive assumptions about a person. Detaching from words like “Attractive, Unattractive, Ugly, Hot, Beautiful” and  descriptive short cuts, that add meaning to things.

Why? Because it’s simply unnecessary. It adds problems to things that need none. I don’t want to be problematic any longer. What’s the point? To be fully engaged in life, in a different way. To control myself, my thoughts and life. To not allow others that control over me.

It’s different just observing, trust me. Try it yourselves. Step back and just watch what you do, what others do and DO NOT judge their behaviours, Pay attention to your thoughts and notice the judgments you make during the day, it’ll amaze you. I don’t know how or why I missed all of this before. Maybe it comes with maturity, but noticing others, the energy they cast unto others and spread during the day and simply knowing. 

It’s not that I’m condescending. This is such a new thing for me. It’s like being able to see everything in HD. Hearing everything with the utmost crispness of sound. Before, things seemed a little more chaotic (thoughts and what others said). Now, there’s a silence – it is so calming. I feel at ease, right now on a completely different level. 

I’m going to continue to practice this, actively. It’s a part of who I am right now. I wish I could share it with you all. Though, I believe it’s a moment we all will, at some point, stumble upon by ourselves.

To most, this post will make no sense whatsoever. Step back, listen to your thoughts. Just listen, then let them pass, let them go. Separate yourself from them. Know why you do the things that you do. Know why you say the things that you say. Observe, don’t judge and let it all just pass. Then move forward and don’t look back. Just know it’s their and move on. This feels weird, but in a life changing way. I started feeling this way earlier this year, then I ignored it and got lost in thought. It’s an effort to think and feel differently. To be open to what the world offers you and not allowing fear to get in your way or the biggest obstacle your thoughts! 

I see now, more than ever, how thoughts are just a conversation my mind has within itself. It’s all under my control and it’s also under your own too. You can control what you think of you, what others think of you and which is true, if either at all. 

Honestly, it’s odd putting this all into words and trying to explain what I’m trying to explain. In sum, I’m trying to open my mind to something greater than myself and see reality in a spiritual way. Life’s going to change, for good this time, because I’ve actually made up my mind to do so. I’ll try and keep you all up to date as I do this, but until then, all of you now know that I’m still here and well, now. 



Shameless; I think not.

3 11 2011

Shame, oh shame, how can you live without it? You can’t. It’s there, whether you like it or not is another matter. Since people feel shame, regardless of accepting it or not,  they might as well understand it.  Consider this a brief run through of what shame is.

shame can be stressful!

How can you tell when you’re dealing with shame? It’s somewhat difficult deciphering when you feel shame these days, simply because it’s so quickly dismissed/invalidated. Why validate it, if it makes you feel “bad”? Because if you don’t, then you’ll only feel worse. You can hold a ball under water for only so long before it hits you in the face.

When you’re feeling shame you may: have a quickened heart beat, fidget, bite your lower lip, have your stomach turn, get a headache, temperature may rise/get hot and overall discomfort. The quickest way to know you’re feeling shame is that almost-instant reaction you get to get rid of it.

How do most people deal with shame? They neglect it by using distractions. Distractions range from many things and most of which are harmful. Some may: drink, binge, purge, smoke, do drugs, cut/burn/hit, throw fits of rage or even hurt those around them. Other methods of distraction aren’t catastrophic: listening to music, walking, reading, writing something, playing a video game, working out, etc.

Why should you acknowledge shame? What’s the purpose of it? Shame is an emotion and like any other emotion it has a purpose. Shame’s purpose is to drive you to change your behaviour. Let’s say you committed an action, whatever it may be, and you begin to fall into symptoms of shame. When you acknowledge shame you can deal with it better. Once you know you’re feeling shame, you can try to figure out why you’re feeling shame and by finding out the cause, you can change it and hopefully evade shame later, along with behaviours that may only cause more shame.

Let’s say someone has a drinking problem. They drink to get rid of the shame, but they realize they are ashamed of their drinking at the same time. It looks like a catch 22, right? It’s not, a person may have more than one cause of shame. That person may be burying memories, to escape the shame of what’s in the past.

How do you get over past shame? That shame is residual. You can’t reclaim the past, but you can claim your future. If it’s the past that’s bothering you, you can do one of two things: see a therapist and work through the shame-based issues or find an activity that makes you feel better and able to move forward from whatever happened.

What kind of things can you do to move on from past shame? You can share it with someone you trust, post it somewhere anonymously or simply write it down and shred it. Why? To get some validation. Some times we need that sympathy, that condolence or simply having it off your chest. Once it’s out, you can begin to feel less shame, part of feeling less shame would be feeling ‘lighter’ and less like you’re carrying something everywhere you go. If you choose to share it with someone, then you may feel cared for and everyone needs that. You’re not a robot, but a human being. “Love is all you need.” (The Beatles) and a little compassion doesn’t hurt either.

Once it’s off your chest, you can do other things to progress. Do things that make you feel successful, the opposite of living in shame; lowly. Make goals and work towards them, do things that make you feel like you’re progressing in life. Many people feel ashamed of where they are in life. Especially those of us who are perfectionists and wish to have everything done a certain way.

If shame is so important, why do we neglect it as a society? Because some seem to think that in order to be “open-minded” one must be shameless and in doing so not bring it upon others. Shame’s an emotion, you can’t be shameless. You’d have to be emotionless; there’s no such thing, those who are “emotionless” actually feel everything, but cannot classify their emotions (sorry to break the news to ya, but your emotions are alive).

Personally, I had a situation where I pointed out that a girl was dressed in a skimpy outfit. That was the remark. People immediately said, “You’re shaming her”. Not really, the only way that I’d be shaming her, is if I said, “You should be ashamed of yourself…” That would be how one person may shame another. If the others around it deem it as shaming, then they, themselves, see it as shameful behaviour. Meaning, those people recognize the action as shameful. You can’t dismiss shame, because everyone knows it, even those who don’t realize it, know what shame is and what is, typically, shameful.

So, what is shameful behaviour? The lines a bit blurred at this point, with society’s negligence of fundamental values, but they’re also there, essentially. Some times we feel shame when we don’t need to. Some is justified and some is unjustified.

If it’s justified; feeling shame for something you purposefully did to another person, compromising your own values or engaging in harmful behaviour. Then you can change the behaviour or apologize. Those options do exist. Don’t neglect the issues, deal with them. The sooner it’s dealt with the sooner you can feel better/lighter.

If it’s unjustified: someone else makes you feel ashamed when you didn’t do anything, lead by guilt, not having what you wanted or self-esteem based. It’s not that you shouldn’t react to those things, but the best way to deal with that shame is to either: accept it for what it is or let it go. Don’t hold it around everywhere you go. You may not have what you want now and you may get it later or you may never get it, accept it for what it is.

In the end, shame is a part of life. Something I feel everyone should recognize. I don’t think it’s something we should suppress as a generation, but something we should accept and understand. So that we may keep what makes us human; emotions.

What I don’t disclose.

11 07 2011

I actually got this idea from Alix (LiveOverPotential @VF) and only thought to try it now. A list of things I don’t really talk about or things most people don’t even know about me.

  1. I used to be terrified of Spiders, but now I love them.
  2. No matter how much I want to talk to certain people, I hold back, because I constantly fear that I’m an annoyance. (Including here, I tend to post less than I want to).
  3. I fear that I’ll one day forget English altogether.
  4. I have a selective memory.
  5. Even though I’m single, I’m obsessed with metal love ballads.
  6. I sleep with my ipod on.
  7. Feet freak me out; I get severely pissed off when people take their socks off.
  8. I’m allergic to the Sun.
  9. People call me: Vampira, Casper, Crimson and other ghastly names.
  10. I have a greater education than I disclose with anyone, even my family.
  11. I’ve considered being a Satanist, Wiccan and Pagan.
  12. I am obsessed with manly men. (Beards, Height, Deep Voices, Tough Attitude)
  13. I some times wish I was a Reaper.
  14. My self-esteem was utterly destroyed back when I was 5.
  15. I don’t fit in with friends, family or my culture. Most days, I just feel like a complete isolate.
  16. I never think about my future.
  17. I’m incapable of sitting still.
  18. My emotions are foreign to me.
  19. I’m a bitch now, because I used to be a sweet heart (many years ago)
  20. I love it when strangers say they hate me.
  21. I’m pro villain, their stories are always more interesting.
  22. I don’t believe in definite right or definite wrong.
  23. I run over 10km every day.
  24. I write and sketch, but I believe I suck.
  25. I don’t drink juice or soda.
  26. I hate water, but I force myself to drink it.
  27. I am never wrong; I truly believe that.
  28. I avoid the phone/texting/msn/most social network chat systems
  29. I hate my past and escape it by any means necessary. Out of sight, out of mind sort of deal.
  30. I play video games regularly.
  31. The majority of people I’ve come across, excluding those I call friends, of course, annoy the ever loving fuck out of me.
  32. I stutter when I’m nervous or I lose my voice altogether.
  33. I need to be told that I’m “awesome/pretty/beautiful/cool/funny/etc.” Though I hate to admit it, even now.
  34. I believe in the Soul Theory and I’m grateful to have come across Alix as a soul twin ❤
  35. Gossip bothers me; I do not partake in it and shut it down when it takes place in my presence.
  36. I walk/run into things all the time, because I daze off.
  37. I’m always wearing one piece of leather when I’m out and about.
  38. I have a phobia of mirrors.
  39. I’m also terrified of relationships, including friendships.
  40. I listen to music, because it makes me feel alive.
  41. I am torn every day
  42. I enjoy cussing, violence and vulgarity. Not because it’s “cool”, but because it fascinates me. I like seeing how others react to it.
  43. It annoys me when others don’t tell me what’s bothering them, even though I am the exact same way.
  44. I’m a terrible friend, although it’s not intentional.
  45. I’ve broken some hearts, also unintentional situations.
  46. I believe that the only obstacle in front of what is possible is oneself. Which is why I don’t acknowledge most people, because the way I see it, they brought it all upon themselves.
  47. Chocolates and flowers are my least favourite gifts. I find them to be lame and  pretentious.
  48. I’ve read over a thousand books in my life and counting.
  49. I’ve watched over 1000 films in my life as well, without counting the numerous documentaries.
  50. Even though I suck at dancing, I wish to one day tango with someone.

That’s enough for now. Feel free to share your own or tell me which ones we share in common.


29 05 2011

Tonight I realize that I’ve been reborn. Alright, so maybe this wasn’t instant, but today I look myself in the mirror and see myself (finally). My crimson red hair frames my face; I can actually look at myself and not grimace, this is indeed a first for me. I’m able to look at my own ebony eyes and see that they’re not half as bad as I’d always imagined them to be. I actually look good, fuck, I won’t lie, I feel pretty hot. I’ve got the best figure on my block and it didn’t come without a fight. Working out has paid off greatly, I’m toned and not overly skinny, just fit, it feels good.

For the first time in my life, I’m able to look past the judgement in my head. I’m able to see some good, some, this’ll take time. It’s completely worth it though looking back at the past few months.

Where do I start?  I haven’t posted in months and it’s all because of this. I’m not the person I was last year, I’m not even the person I was three months ago. It feels like I’ve been decaying behind a mask and now I’m out.

It’s taken so much time and so much effort. I’m well  though, very well. I feel great. To answer all questions, no I’m not on anti-depressants. I’ve faced everything head on with skills that I’ve learned the past few months and I’ve survived it all.

Sure, there were days when I thought, fuck this shit and wanted to run as far away from it all as I could. However, now that the day has come to an end, I see it’s not something I can runaway from, but rather face. There’s no way escaping a demon, when that demon is yourself.

I appreciate all the kind regards I’ve received from my subscribers and friends. You’re all wonderful and amazing (: Thank you for your kind sentiments.

No worries though, I’ll get back to writing again. Especially in Deception, React and Comatose with my new perspective. No more writers block, tonight’s a good night.


26 01 2011

Some days, it feels like I’m just living through the motions.

Other days, I bask in spontanaety.

Some days, I feel like I’m incoherent.

Other days, I’m the only one making any sense.

Some days, I wonder what the fuck I’m wasting my life for.

Other days, life shows me that I’m not.

Some days, I rebel and leave a path of chaos behind me.

Other days, I mend the wounds and let time heal what’s left.

Some days, I neglect how other people feel, because then maybe they’d know what it’s like being me.

Other days, the numbness consumes me.

Some days, I wish things were different.

Other days, I realise they may never be.

Some days, I tell myself everything will work out.

Other days, they prove that they never will.

Some days, I move on.

Other days, I look back.

Some days, I want to live.

Other days, I find I’m already dead.


It’s so difficult to write here lately, but I will anyways.


Goal: Be my own cheer leader. Observe my surroundings, I must be missing something here.

Rest In Peace

24 11 2010

Within myself I find these fallen spirits.

Time and time again torn down from the strength they once held.


Shut down,

Turned off,


Meaningless, worthless and broken down.

Fallen from the edge,

Hung by nothing more than a hair.

Shut out and left alone.

Gasping for air,

Inhaling poison.

Bleeding out,

Waiting in,

Caged and damaged.



Lost one,

Lost two,

Lost all;

Losing self.

Breathing for one,

Living for none.

Wishing there was more;

Knowing there isn’t.

Holding on to nothing,

Living on for one thing.

Solid ground,

crumbled mass.

Fallen victor,

Rising a loser.

Single in the masses,

Drowned in the facets (of life).

Life without living,

Dead before death.



I’ve lost another one. May they rest in peace. I’d say I feel heart broken, but my heart hasn’t been solid since he passed away and then another he also passed away. Now I wonder if this will be followed by another and hope it doesn’t Knowing hopes mean nothing.


14 11 2010

I’m usually pretty great with decoding symbolism in dreams. Most people come to me and ask me to give them my perspective on dreams they’ve had. However, last night I had an intense dream and I’m not completely sure if I understand it all too well.

So, I’ve decided to share it all with you. Feel free to leave your interpretations of it or comments.

(I’m going to write it in a story like manner, because that’s the easiest way I can depict it)

My bedroom was an abyss. As empty as my mind, a rarity. I lay wide awake on my mattress staring at the gaping window next to me. As I stare, I begin to see dark figures gathering. Collecting into one giant mass. An 8 foot giant form comes through the window. Breaking it open with cool winds.

With such a menacing-like being before me, I lay calm and quiet. I don’t scream nor do I seem alarmed in the least. The creature beckons at me. It is ashy. No facial features are distinguishable, with exception to a smirk plastered across it’s narrow head.

A man comes running in; he is an officer. He yells to me. Pleading for me to run for my life. He shoots fire at the shadow, but it is unaffected. It stays over me. I do not move. Maybe fear has paralyzed me, yet I do not appear afraid. The officer is followed by other officers; one carries a video camera.

The creature is fed up with the crowd. It then plunges its hand through my chest and rips my heart out. I gasp, as I watch it eat my heart then penetrate the roof and disappear miles into the vast skies.

However, as I fall back to my mattress, I reach up for the skies.I am not dead, yet.

Then an aura surrounds me. I close my eyes shut and inhale. Still alive, I get up to an audience of spectators. Watching in awe and disbelief as I continue to live.

The officers convince me to enter a hospital. The hospital is freezing and everyone is staring at me. I am unable to shut my eyes, I cannot blink, but I can still breathe. A doctor lays me unto a hospital bed and attempts to draw my blood. He is unable to penetrate the needle into my forearm.

As he turns to get another needle, he peers through the window and sees a massive crowd has gathered. A male nurse runs into the room and locks the door behind him. He tells the doctor the crowd is restless. That they’ve come to kill me for being demoniacal. The doctor shakes his head and tells the nurse to return to the crowd. Claiming he had already planned to ‘put me down’ himself.

In disbelief, I say to him, “Am I really the heartless one here?” He merely looks at me and jabs the needle into my neck.

To which I wake up.

I think it symbolizes being attacked for being who I am. Kind of like the age old question, “Am I really that different?”. I’m not entirely sure, but I would appreciate all input.